I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
