I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
