Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
