I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
