You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Randomize
