why im i the only drunk person in the library?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
