New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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