My first STD was from a foam party
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
