I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
When are your genitals available?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
