I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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