Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
