Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
