i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
