just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I could make wine with my vomit
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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