I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
What drink are we having for lunch?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
