I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Sorry my hands just texted you
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
My vagina is officially offended.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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