Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Randomize
