and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
