I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
