I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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