My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
