Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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