Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
