so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
