Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
