I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
