If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
