Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
