I will die if light touches me.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Randomize
