There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
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