I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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