as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
