Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
