life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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