She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
