We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
