I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
