maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
