Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
