If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
