he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
