My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
