i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
