I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
