U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
