apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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