My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
