I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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