weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Randomize
