Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
