Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
