His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Randomize
