i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
