FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
